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Volume 10, Chapter 7 Part 2

*** WARNING WARNING WARNING*** NOT FOR FAINT HEART, KAGETORA RAPE SCENE, READ WITH CAUTION......

Followed by some confusing rambling of Takaya


*** WARNING WARNING WARNING - BEGINNING***

It had happened in Sagami, on the seashore. At night, on a deserted sandy beach he had been abused by several men. He was fifteen years old.

Undoubtedly it was a carefully thought-out plan. The ringleader, one of Hojo vassals, he knew well – he had been in his service (though Saburo was not particularly important person), and had served him well. He had always been there and had took care of him since he had returned from Takeda. And other times Saburo had encountered him outside the castle.

He remembered the purple disk of the moon, seen it through the tree branches. As lust had distorted the face of the man whom he had known as a good and faithful servant. There had been a carnivorous smile on his lips while he raped him, and joyed at the act of trampling on someone else's pride.
It was impossible to forget the pleasure with which he, the servant, had mocked his master, with reviled dirty words, and how many times had smeared his muddy seed inside and outside, enjoying the victory plenty.

Trying to get rid of the pain of the unbearable memories, Takaya struggling dug his nails into his hand.

They had just did with him. Even the thought of this brutality made him feel dirty again, and he had several times been on the verge of fainting. He wished he could lose consciousness, it would be easier.

They had laughed at him. They had crushed his dignity. They had tortured him, they had took him again and again, so that it was no longer understandable where whose moisture was on his body. They had squeezed him till the end, and he had began to think that, in fact, he was going to die.

The moaning, raspy breathing ringed in his ears. Wild pain, again and again - and so countless times. Someone pulling up and thrusting behind - Takaya was disgusting remembering the feeling and closed his eyes. Suddenly he was caught in the headlights, and memory drowned in a white flash, leaving only the circles on the surface of the senses.

*** WARNING WARNING WARNING END***


Then those people had abandoned Hôjô and disappeared from Sagami. He had never seen them.

Perhaps for some reason they had hated his family and wanted to take revenge so ...

Meanwhile, the wound left by them on his heart, ran deep. In desperation, he had began to drink, and even earned his father Ujiyasu’s rebukes, but had never told anyone about what happened. Never let go of pride. He did not want anyone else to found out about his shame and humiliation.

That trauma had remained untreated, later severely affecting his attitude towards people.
“Yes, Naoe” Takaya whispered stubbornly, hugging his chilled shoulders, “I will not give you anything.”

“You do not want me to give it to you.”

Naoe, a proud man, did not want to be a hand-out winner. He wanted to win by himself - to win Kagetora that was his only desire. Or maybe it ought to be said: he wanted to be Kagetora. It would probably be more accurate.

As Kagetora frightened him, he wants to be a threat to Kagetora. As Kagetora was admired by him, he wants to become an object of admiration for Kagetora. The same way, as Naoe always resisted Kagetora, he wants Kagetora to resist him. And eventually Kagetora –the loser was under the heel of Naoe – the winner and has tasted the bitterness of defeat, would feel bounded and suffer from it; would take on the sin of soul, and then begged for forgiveness, prostrate prostrate, weeping, shouting his name ...

And then, when they would have fully swapped places ... when Kagetora would be Naoe, and Naoe would be Kagetora... only on that day Naoe would be able to say that he won.

That day, I give myself to you.

Winner and loser ... It appeared that he and Naoe could not live without this relationships.

One wins, the other loses - maybe precisely this was precisely what tied them to each other and kept so for four hundred years.

Equality between them was impossible. If they become equal, Naoe probably get rid of the four hundred pain, but then what would hold him back? Love alone was not enough, it did not tightly bind people. Not enough hatred. Not enough desire, Not enough kindness. To direct everything, even the darkest feelings on Naoe alone, Kagetora himself had no choice but to be a "winner." So he might bind the man completely, forever ... but he could not.

Same goes with the"victim". The victim connects the hangman sense of guilt therefore, as a victim, Kagetora was the winner. It was the last chain he had locked on Naoe’s neck. It turned out to be a absolutely unbreakable leash, one that Kagetora would hardly be able to remove now – it was too frightening.

If the bottomless abyss, which lay between the winner and the loser was the only link - then they could not connect. Although the price was high ... Did this mean that they themselves preferred to be eternally linked, rather than dissolving in each other?

The winner, and the one who opposes him, would never be able to merge, but the winner was granted the ability to embrace - Kagetora knew this. And the moment would likely come, when resisting the desire to resist would lose, and... it would become impossible to not embrace. Probably, Kagetora was afraid of it.

But Naoe does not want equality. Naoe craved to put him on his knees, he would not be satisfied with the compromise. In that case, Kagetora need not to worry. And so everything was ok as long Naoe wanted to trade places with him, of course ...

But suppose if he succeeds then what? Then he will immediately lose interest in the defeated Kagetora!

“So I'll continue to win.”

There is nothing left. If Naoe did not heal, so be it. Let him be doomed to lose, it would hurt, but what other shackle could chain him (Naoe) up to him forever? Only the victory.

“Chain him up? ..”

Takaya seemed to wake up from sleep, amazed at his own thoughts.
“But I never wanted to chain him...”

Nothing from Naoe was necessary, absolutely nothing ... Then why were his nerves strained? Why this commotion? ..”

"I Lose ... I lose him forever ..."

Something compressed inside quivered, and Takaya froze, stunned by the strength of the surging feelings. He was afraid! His anxiety came from the fear of losing the person whom he resisted, and it was not just fear. It was horror.

“Why ...”

But that prospect suddenly became utterly real. Naoe, who had lost power ...Naoe, who was trying to overcome his addiction ... to say such Takaya felt uncomfortable – it meant saying nothing. He was so afraid, his knees trembled.

Naoe was trying to throw all away. He wanted to get out, collapse the loop that united them - doing what scared Kagetora exactly more than anything else.

If in which situation they were, still did not change, then he would lose Naoe.

Kagetora knew it, but could not get rid of Naoe’s pain. Could not even think of himself about making him free of it. To take his hand and break the thread stretched to limit which had eternally bound them... was the right thing, the only possible state ... No, it was beyond his power.

Now he is at the limit. Just a little more ...

Takaya froze middle of the sidewalk, as if rooted to the spot. He could not manage to make a move - neither forward nor backward.

So he stood on the sidewalk, alone, as the night reigned over.

***

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
imagase
Jul. 13th, 2014 08:19 am (UTC)
Very nice introspection of Kagetora, it's nice to see what's going on in his crazy head once in a while. I've read summaries of this arc before but reading the translation is much better! So THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!
sarah3161
Jul. 14th, 2014 02:02 am (UTC)
THANK YOU for sharing \\^_^//
ah it was deep >_< i REALLY feel sorry for Kagetora more and more >_<
ishitori
Jul. 14th, 2014 10:44 am (UTC)
And again, thanks!!
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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